Today I Forgot Who I Was

There is nothing scarier than not knowing who you are, where you are, or how you got there. Thats what happened to me today.

I have Bipolar Disorder. Its been about a decade since I have attempted medication. Pharmaceuticals have not worked for me. In the past, medications have made me homicidal, suicidal, or psychotic. I would rather feel crazy than feel like that. I would rather deal with mania, than want to die.

This time, I went in for an appointment for migraine prevention. Something wasn't right. I felt hollow. I felt empty. I felt like a shell. Couldn't think straight. It was only Day 1 of medication. I thought that the effects would wear off. That it would get better.

Explained this to my therapist.* She could tell something wasn't right, and pointed it out a bit. I felt so not like myself. I didn't even care about anything. After my appointment, I decided to go outside and wait for Wifey. She was driving me around because I didn't feel safe to drive.** I walked out, and decided it was time for a cigarette.*** I walked to the end of the parking lot, because I'm not an asshole, and I'm not about to smoke infront of a doctor's office... and in my opinion, those who do are jerks.

I kept on walking. I didn't know where I was going, but I was determined to get to where ever it was. I went down the road, and kept on gong.

I came to a busy road. It was a bit scary. I was worried about getting hit by cars. I started to panic. I didn't know where I was going but I did know that I had to cross this very heavily trafficked road. I ended up crossing safely, thank my lucky stars. I crossed another road. And then the next thing I know Wifey picked me up in the van. She told me to get in. I didn't know what was going on. I thought to myself... "Well, I guess this is where I was walking to."

I don't really remember much after that, but I don't think I am ready to play the "Medication Roulette" game ever again. I'll stick to self-medicating with cannabis****, thanks anyways.



* My therapist is quite awesome. Honestly, I have only had one other therapist that is comparable, and my current therapist is still the best. Wifey thinks she's awesome. Hubbs sings her praises... because honestly -- If I didn't get help, I'm sure Hubbs would be gone by now.

** If you know ANYTHING about me -- you'll know that I don't get carted around. I do just about ALL of the driving. To say that I didn't feel safe while driving is serious business. I mean, when I go out with others -- I'm the DD. When I am out in the snow -- nobody is driving but me. I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to driving. But I am also a pretty awesome passenger... on the rare occasion that I am a passenger.

*** Yes, I am aware smoking is bad. I'm working on it. See also, here.

**** I will eventually write a post about how cannabis works for me, and how I use it.